Chili story (long but funny)

Mr. Top Hat · Dead Joined: 29 Aug 2004 Posts: 5818

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't

be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?

You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me

two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.

These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted

to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when

they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get

me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting $&$&-faced from

all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish

or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer

maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is

starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili

an

aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must

admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and

I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her

chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by

pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning

my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop

screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it

will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except

that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow

cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am

worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid

unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.

At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to

stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen

anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my

stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too

bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,

passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not

sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted

to

really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

JamesBoardr · Posted: Dec 06, 2005 8:14 pm Post subject:

ive had better

BillyOLDS · Posted: Dec 06, 2005 8:22 pm Post subject:

thats is so funny!

senorbueno · Backside 180 Joined: 28 Sep 2004 Posts: 1593

Mr. Top Hat, I dunno why, but that was freaking hilarious... I couldn't stop laughing. Maybe it's b/c I'm from SA and have witnessed similar events (a bunch of white guys from my high school in habanero pepper eating contests)

Mr. Top Hat · Dead Joined: 29 Aug 2004 Posts: 5818

senorbueno, thats exactly how i was. it didnt seem that funny but i was laughing my ass off.

c dub · Backside 180 Joined: 10 Aug 2005 Posts: 1171 City: Austin

hahahaah

bbm boarder · Faceplant Joined: 29 Nov 2005 Posts: 6

That was the funniest thing i've ever heard. I was crying the whole time. not eyes watering, but tears rolling off my face

Blake T · Posted: Dec 06, 2005 9:52 pm Post subject:

Mr. Top Hat, buhahahahah... That is mad funny brother.

<---- tears in his eyes.

I went to a chili cook off in Crawford Texas last year, when Nader had a rally out there. I recall the same feeling dude. I wasnt a jodge, but damn did I feel like I was going to pass out. And like stated, I more then likely had a 20 pack within 1 hours time. I was sh*t faced riding home, sweating my ass off in the back of my Tahoe. I cant remember who drove, but I saw pics. I had chili in my hair.

Great post amigo.

integrity640 · Kickflip Joined: 30 Oct 2004 Posts: 2866 City: Ocala

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Being from san antonio i know EXACTLY what the situation is Laughing

JTwakeskater56 · Posted: Dec 07, 2005 7:29 am Post subject:

Good chuckle to start off the day. Thanks. Laughing

xstfu ill pwn youx · Backside 180 Joined: 17 Nov 2005 Posts: 837 City: 954.

hahahahaha.

that was sooo funny.

frawley · Posted: Dec 07, 2005 4:27 pm Post subject:

like that was so, like funny!