Glossary of Turds

Grouch · Kickflip Joined: 16 Feb 2004 Posts: 3146 City: The OC

Glossary of Turds

"The Britney Spears" - It may be pretty, but MAN does it STINK!

"Growing a Tail" - You’ve been incubating this one all day…. Now it’s finally ready! Get that tape measure ready! As in “I’ve been growing a tail all day!”

"The Dairy Queen Mixed" - THIS ONE WRAPS AROUND THE INSIDE OF THE BOWL UP TO THE TOP REMINDING ONE OF THOSE DELICOUS ICE CREAM YOU EAT AT DAIRY QUEEN.

"The Vietnamese Banana Split" - This one dessert is gonna cause all kinds of hell! It's quite easy make, but ya gonna need have to eat alot of vietnamese food. Ur main ingredient is a nice 6 inch. Follow by some chocolate syrup-aka "diaria". Then u can docorate it any way ya like. I espicially like mine with corn!!!!

"Dead Man Walkin" - When you're walking home and you get a turtle head. Still about a mile from your house, but you can't hold on any longer! What WILL you do? You know that running will simply dislodge it into your underwear, but walking won't get you home fast enough!

"Crapparazzi" - When your crap is so interesting that you are compelled to take pictures of it and sell them to the tabloids.

"Mr. Bojangles" - You have to do an old soft shoe routine to shake this one loose.

"Sir Dumps Alot" - I take big dumps and I cannot lie. A funky odor I will not deny. When you see me heading for the bathroom door, brothers just move aside.

Grant's Tomb - This crap seems to have been dead and entombed for centuries. What evil force has brought it back to life! At last we have the answer to the age old question.

The Apollo 13 - Houston, we have a problem! Launch this rocket-shaped crap into outerspace and pray your ass doesn't burn up on re-entry!

Crapenstein - Hook some electrodes to this crap and scream, "It's Alive!" as it rises from the murky water to terrorize the townsfolk. Grab the flaming torches and pitchforks!

The Crop Duster - A fine mist is suddenly expelled to dust the entire bowl and water surface with a thin layer of crap. Looks like another bumper crap, I mean crop.

Count Crapula - This blood-sucking crap requires the darkness of night to be brought forth from its coffin of the damned.

Battle of the Bulge - You swear you have a 2 foot log pushed from your opening but still it bulges forth without dropping. Grap a weapon, stand a post, and wage the Battle of the Bulge!

Nightmare on the Toilet Seat - You must be asleep because you've never experience this kind of pain while awake.

Beer Fudge - For all you poo, this crap's for you. Anheuser Busch meets Godiva in this messy sludge match.

The "Clean Sweep" - Nothing compares to the ecstasy of a satisfying dump without a lengthy, messy clean up.

The "El Rancho Grande" - Or should we say, El Crappo Grande. Inspired by that favorite Mexican restaurant that you keep going back to even though there is hell to pay later. (Location: Lincoln Road and Pennsylvania Ave. on South Beach)

The "San Loco" - Similar to above. Inspired by the bowel cleansing experience from eating too many fish tacos with stupid sauce. (Location: Washington Ave. and 14th Street on South Beach)

The "Nine Inch Nail" - "Head like a hole, Black as your soul, I would rather die than give you control!"...... My apologies to Trent Reznor....(perhaps this is what the song was really about?)

The "Upper Deck" - When Your Friend Or Ne
ighbor pisses you off so bad, you use their bathroom and leave one in the top part of the tank.No matter how many times they flush, the essance remains.

The "Einstein" - Comes out with suffecient mass, inertia, and speed to move you sideways in time (for me it usually comes after two bannanas and a strong cup of coffee).

The "HOME DEPOT" - BIGGEST MOTHER F...KER I'VE EVER SEEN, IT COVERS EVERYTHING.

The "Temptress" - She's bitter and evil. She lures you in with false hope then smashes you down like the dog you are. You wait hoping for release but it never comes.

The "Bomb Run to Berlin (BTB)" - This can differ from lots of pebble dashers to a few Boston Danglers (see below) and when the time comes and you drop your load, you won't want to be anywhere near it.
The "Osama Bin Laden" - An ugly little bastard that keeps showing an hiding its self in your ass.

The "Osama Bin Laden" - Where'd the slippery little bugger go? Goes missing without a trace. (From a different Reader)

The "Waterfall" - A poo so runny that when your friends are in the other room it sounds like you are washing you hands.

The "Windows XP" - A very unreliable turd, it can be sitting minding it's own business one minute, and sitting in your boxers the next.

The "McDonalds Mens Room Special" - You've been saving this one all week since you bought that burger with the chicken beak in it, but the toilets are so badly clogged already that you can't park you arse anywhere to let it out. You end up in hospital with a vacuum cleaner in your rectum.

The "Crunchberry" - A three day dingleberry that you didn't find the last time you took a dump. Now you can't even get it off with a spatula.

The "Horses at the Gate" - Hold on for dear life as you barely make the rim!

"Blow Mud" - 50% liquid-50% forced gas renders toilet in a spackled texture coat.

The "Sabado Gigante" - All you Spanish speakers out there know what we're talking about. Don't mess with Don Francisco. Usage: I need to take a Sabado Gigante.

The "Boston Dangler" - It just won't let go, and has to be removed with a big length of toilet paper so as not to get one's hands brown.

The "Oliver Twist" - So jagged and nutty that it must be manouvered out with careful ass cheek movements.

The "Hungry Catepillar" - So hard and wide that to remove it painlessly you must open your jerk briefly, letting it out in segments.

"Pate De Fois Gray" - Fluffy gray soup which is unpleasant to pass and smell, and will disgust even the culprit, who with a normal poo would be accustomed to the smell and would not notice.

"Smurf Butt" - In porto dukers the force of the turd is so great the blue liquid splashes all over staining your butt.

The "Hugh Grant" - It just sits there smiling at you annoyingly, and when you think you have flushed it for good, it comes right back up, again and again.

The "Last Port o Call" - See a friend off to sea.

The "Hanger" - A turd that hangs half in, half out your ass until you want to grab the dental floss for easy clean cut relief.

The "Boulder" - The type of turd that stretches your poor jerk to the maximum capacity and sometimes further. Comes out as the roundest, hardest ball that is so heavy that when it hits the water it's a massive tidal wave that hits it's former home. Wipe Out!

"Herdin' Water Buffalo" - The water is brown from the partial liquid poo you forced out, while the remainder floats around with their brown backs stickin out like water buffalo in a dirty river.

The "Sunbathing Snake" - A unit so massive, that it's tail disappears into the drain, and it's head rests lazily on the "beach"(dry porcelain).

The "Friday 13th Poo" - No matter how many times you flush it, it just keeps coming back.

The "Seatbelt" - When you know it will come with such a force that you have to buckle up first.

The "Gymnauseum" - After working out and running on the treadmill and stairmaster this one is all churned up and ready to work you out.

The "Ghost Poo" - You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper but none in the toilet.

The "Teflon Coated Poo" - Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it!

The "Gooey Poo" - This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in you underwear, so that you don't stain it. This poo leaves permanent skid marks on the toilet.

The "Second Thought Poo" - You're all done wiping and you're about to stand up when you realise...... you've got some more.

The " Pop A Vein In Your Forehead Poo" - This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis! It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard!!!

The "Indian Vindaloo Poo (A.K.A. Red-Ring Special)" - Just as hot going out as it is going in. The second your cheeks touch the seat your ass goes down for a drink.

The " Wish Poo" - You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times but no poo.

"Excalibur" - You try to flush it but the lady of the lake just keeps holding on.

The "Bunker Buster" - Penetrates deep into the bowl before exploding and taking out all life forms.

The "Daisy Cutter" - The latest in high-tech warfare, this powerful bomb will spray shrapnel all over the bowl ensuring that there are no survivors.

The "Colon Bowel" - Trying to stop bowl sponsored terrorism. All negotiations are off.

"Groundhoggin" - If it comes out of its hole its going to be an early dash for the toilet. Puxatony Phil has met his match.

"Prariedoggin" - When your turd is popping in and out of your shpincter like a large furry rodent avoiding aerial predators.

"Sediment" - The gravel left at the bottom of the bowl when one flush just isn't enough.

"TURTLES HEAD" AKA "Touching Cloth" - Where the poo is hangin outta your ass like a turtles head out of a shell! The little turd is touching your gruds!

The "Swimming Test" - The ones that don't "swim" (float) will"drown" (sink), therefore, not passing the swim test!

"Ghost Turds" - After you crap, you wipe your butt and NO evidence of crapping (skidmarks) is on the toilet paper!

"Stocking the Pond with Brown Trout"

The "Moulin Rouge " - This mocha chocolatte momma is sure to win a Grammy® as it sputters out your ass like Cristina Aguillera singing her latest love song.

"Shrapnel" - Ever had to wipe your entire ass afterwards? Pieces-parts o' poo that riccochet off of the porcelain and back at the mothership; aka "friendly fire". (From CQ San Fran Correspondent Stiffy)

The "Soft Serve" - Swirled up like a chocolate ice cream treat.
"Lincoln Logs" - When they stack up so nice and uniformly in the potty, you want to save it as an example.

The "Klingon" - No amount of butt wobbling or cheek slamming can dislodge this determined alien.

The "Snake shizzle" - When your turd is so long you don't know whether to flush it or grab it by the neck and drag it out in the snowbank!!

The "Funky Butt Strut" - Dance created on the way to the kitchen for a paper towel cuz there's no TP.

The "Showoff " - A poo so funny in shape or so large that you have to let someone else see it before you flush it away!

The "UFO " - Unidentified Floating Object. You could swear on your life that you didn't eat anything resembling what has popped out the other end.

The "Liquid Poo " - Yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time chronically burning your tender anus.

The "Silk" - Its when you get a good size turd that comes out in one smooth push. There is no turtle, minimal splash if any and you don't use half a role of paper cleaning up after you're done. However, you may hang around for a while just to be sure you don't pull a Cheech and save yourself the trouble of taking off your shorts just as soon as you get them on. It also saves you the trouble of wiping twice if you are not done.

The "Kahoona Mudslide" - Smooth going down with a little bit of zip.

The "Spray Paint" - Sprays out as quick as lightning... and you can TRULY leave your mark on an overpass!

The "Bath Bomb" - The force of the turd is so great it not only splashes your ass but hits your face.

The "Depth Charge" - Also known as "wet cheeks" or "power dump". It comes out of your ass so fast that your bum cheeks get splashed with the toilet water. Is it some kind of poo revenge?

The "Ten Pound Baby Brown" - Congratulations.......it felt like you just became the proud father of a ten pound child. Lot of sweating and pushing........leading to mental and physical exaustion. This terd was so big and such a workout that no woman can ever tell you that you have no idea what it's like to give birth.

The "King Crimson" - Bright red and definitely funky.

The "Intellectual Poo" - Before heading to the bathroom you grab the heaviest book on the shelf since you know this where your going to be spending the next hour or so.

The "David & Goliath" - A small pellet followed by a massive log of bibilcal proportions!

The "Slim Fast" - You lose ten pounds in 30 seconds. Caution, rapid weight loss may cause dizziness!

The "Francis Ford Crappolla" - The Godfather of all craps!

The "Godfather" - Just when you think you're out, they pull you back in!

The "KFC" - Kentucky Fried Crap featuring 11 herbs and spices. Original or hot and spicy? This is a favorite lunch time haunt of the Mystery Crapper.

The "NASDAQ" - Your assets are tumbling out of control. Much paperwork awaits the end of this session. See NASDAQ Marketsite in NYC Reviews.

The "Chocolate Taffy " - Ooey, gooey, thick and sticky. Get the sandblaster - paper won't make a dent in this mess.

The "Birthing" - Push! Breath! Push! Breath! Congratulations, it's a - crap!? Four hours of labor well spent.

The "Gore" - Starts out stiff and forced, but really loosens up at the end. Keep it in a lock box for safe keeping.

The "Butch Davis " - You think it is going to stay for a while and suddenly it shoots out.

The "Cheech" - Careful, this one is likely to end up on your bathroom floor after a drunken night out!! Sssshhh. Don't tell your roommate.

The "A-Bomb" - When you drop this one.........the bowl explodes!!

The "Depth Charger " - When you drop this one............your ass gets soaking wet!!

The "Energizer" - It keeps going and going and going!!

The "Phantom" - You know it came out, but you don't see it in the bowl!

The "Clencher" - you got to push so hard to get this one out, you grab the sides of the toilet seat to help you hang on!

The "Mission Impossible " - It's lodged in there for good. Even Tom Cruise couldn't blast his way out!

The "St. Elmo's Fire" - That chili pepper is hotter coming out than going in! Caution - don't use water to put out a grease fire!!

The "Green Hornet" - You know you had way too many peas.

The "Stunner" - So intense you sit for an hour after you're done.

"Drop The Chalupa" - Usually happens when there is no restroom in sight.

The "Regis" - Is that your final squeeze? Voted CQ's Funniest!

The "Urkel" - Did I do that?

The "Pat Sajak" - Would you like to buy a bowel?

The "Jed Clampett" - Down to the pot came a bubbling crude.

The "George Foreman" - It's a lean mean stinking machine.

The "Turtlehead" - Peaks out of its shell briefly enough to tease, then goes back into hiding.

The "Swimming Teacher" - Dropping the kids off by the pool !!!

The "Trophy" - So big you want to hang it on the wall.

The "Spread" - Hurry..... Call an ambulace, tell them to bring the jaws of life, this baby doesn't want to come out!

The "Curler" - You look down between your legs and it is looking back at you.

The "Duke" - It's tough, rugged and makes you walk funny, Pilgrim.

The "Gambler" - There's no TP. You gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em.

Cajun Butt - Jambalaya, Crawfish, Oysters, Red Beans and Rice, lots of alcohol. Shaken not Stirred. Comes out kind of green and lumpy like a drug induced road trip to New Orleans. Need we say more?

Paella Butt - Arroz con Pollo and all that good Cuban food goes in and greasy, nasty and smelly shizzle comes out.

The "Fonz" - So slick you don't even have to wipe. Eeeeeehhhhhh!

The "Ritchie" - So clean you don't even have to wipe but you do anyway because it is your responsibility as a good citizen.

The "Al" - So greasy you need three rolls and it still feels funny. Then you don't even wash your hands before going back to the kitchen to whip up another burger and fries.

The "Harley" - Looks tough but just makes a lot of fuss and noise. Probably trying to compensate for having a small penis.

The "Power Lifter" - So dry and clogged from too much MetRx that you moan and groan at the top of your lungs as you try to clean and jerk this monster.

The "Sizzler" - Hot! Hot! Hot! Lay off the Tabasco and Jalapenos, dude.

The "Gangsta" - It's hard, black and mean.

The "Buffy" - Small little pellets that smell like brie and Wine Coolers. Perfect for the country club or the wine and cheese soiree.

The "Shaker" - Feel it cling, feel it grip, shake your booty and give it the slip!

"Big Bertha" - Bite down on a wooden spoon, keep pushing and know the feeling of child birth!

The "Inmate" - It may be locked away for good, pray the parole board rules in your favor!

The "Mudslide" - Too much Mexican food? Hang on to the seat and make sure your insurance is up to date.

The "Coil" - So that's what my intestines are shaped like!

The "Paper Trail" - 5 rolls later, and there's still evidence - can you spare a square?

"Aromatherapy" - Why is the wallpaper curling off? Do NOT go in there!

The "Pencil" - So pointy, you could keep your golf score with it!

The "Concert" - Hit the record button, such beautiful music accompanying your efforts!

"Die Hard" - 3 flushes later and it's still staring up at you with that silly grin... Do you expect me to flush? No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!!!

The "Ginger" - Big, red and curvy.

The "Phantom" - You feel like its going to be a big one but you only blow ass instead.

The "Scottie" - Captain, I'm given her all I got!!! If we push her any harder, she's gonna blow!!!

The "Hotel California" - It could check out any time it likes, but it can never leave.

The "Short Term Lease" - Two words--Taco Bell.

The "Cannonball" - Splash.

The "Floater" - Unsinkable. Usually requires multiple flushes.

The "Hot Dog with Ketchup" - Bloody mess. Call the doctor.

The "Cliffhanger" - Can't shake this pesky critter.

The "Holy Crap" - Pure perfection.

The "Hung Chow" - Chinese food.