Chuck norris isnt hung like a horse.....

[integrity640]

Grouch


I'd "run out of gas" in front of his house, then id ask him if he could run me to the gas station in a lamborgini

[Grouch]

I really just want to _____ in Kristy Brinkley's ________!

[pipo]

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "on't !&$% with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shizzle on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shizzle out of little kids.
At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.
In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
When a tsunami happens, it’s because Chuck Norris has been swimming laps in the ocean.
Chuck Norris poops light sabers.
Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a chain saw. But he holds it backwards.
Chuck Norris likes his coffee like he likes his women: ground up, packed in a burlap sack, and thrown over the back of a donkey.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris threw it.
Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.
Camels have a hump because Chuck Norris needed a place to store his kills.
Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain.
Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris vomits, wealthy people scavenge it for food. Too bad for them Chuck Norris never vomits.
Chuck Norris is sucking the body mass from this FOX news anchor through his teeth.
Chuck Norris doesn’t get drunk. He drinks to get sober.
If Chuck Norris were a ballet dancer, he’d strangle you gracefully with his tutu. And then himself.
Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.
Our founding fathers originally decreed a strict separation between Chuck Norris and state. Chuck Norris eliminated them.
The only thing Chuck Norris fears is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris uses staples as hair gel.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
Even Chuck Norris can’t believe nobody Chuck Norrised this guy a long time ago.
Oil prices only go up when Chuck Norris is thirsty.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris once took over a small town in Guam, thus naming himself King Norris. His only law was that if someone looked at him the wrong way there would be a public execution. The offender would then have the choice of execution, either a kick to the head, or a blow from the fist to the neck. The town lasted three days.
Whenever you curse Chuck Norris under your breath for being the most awesome loser in history, you're damned lucky his beard doesn't hear it. DAMNED lucky.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris does not, in fact, wear cowboy boots, or any other kind of shoes. This is because the skin of his feet and lower legs is already tougher than leather, and occasionally adopts a nifty snakeskin look besides.
In the movie "Anaconda", the part of the snake was played by Chuck Norris' penis. If you look close, you can see him in a couple of scenes, smiling.
Chuck Norris does not take a bite out of crime. He swallows crime whole and demands seconds.
Chuck Norris went as Chuck Norris for Halloween. He got twice as much candy as anybody
Chuck Norris was recently credited with finding a new race of people living in his chest hair.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris is faster than sound. Should you ever hear him speak in a one-on-one conversation, there is a good chance you have yet to realize that nanoseconds ago you received a roundhouse kick to the face.
Two words that lead us to believe that Osama Bin Laden is already dead...Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is what happens when Bigfoot and the Yeti get drunk.
You know why people win the lottery? Because Chuck Norris once gave them the thumbs-up sign.
G.I. Joe was originally titled: G.I. Chuck Norris, but Hasbro thought that the doll was too manly and would scare small children. They kept the Kung-fu gip.
A man once fired a bullet at Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris swallowed the bullet and proceeded to drop his pants. Chuck Norris then bent over and fired the bullet out of his ass, blowing the man's head off.
Once, Chuck Norris got in a fight with a man in bar, and proceeded to roundhouse kick him in the shoulder so hard that he severed his arm. Norris then used the man's own hand to rip out his still beating heart, which Norris squeezed dry, and used the blood as ketchup on his 64 oz. official "Chuck Norris" Burger from Lone Star.
Chuck Norris is a world champion in Long Distance Shitting. He once propelled a shizzle more than 1000 yards, where it landed perfectly in a toilet, without even making a splash. The sport was outlawed, however, after a stray shizzle from Norris struck a hobo 10 miles away, killing him instantly.
Chuck Norris's poop is used as currency in Argentina.
Chuck Norris stabbed his grandmother in the neck for forgetting his favorite pie at Christmas. Upon learning that she had actually brought it and was playing a joke on him, he conjured her back to life by roundhouse kicking Jesus.
Chuck Norris ties dead puppies to his feet to simulate real blood spraying from the faces of his stunt actors.
Steven Seagal is actually Chuck Norris' aborted twin brother.
Chuck Norris can travel through time by running at 88 miles per hour.
Chuck Norris TKOed Mike Tyson in Nintendo's Mike Tyson's Punchout on the first try. It was so easy that after he did it he murdered a puppy.
The reason Chuck Norris has no children because looking at his genatalia produces the same results as if you were to open the Ark of the Covenent.
There are two things on Earth visible from space; The Great Wall of China, and Chuck Norris's testicles.
Chuck Norris sees you when you're sleeping and he knows when you're awake. He knows when you've been bad or good, so be good or be prepared to have your face demolished by a roundhouse kick.
After taking the first steps on the moon and saying the immortal words, "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind", Neil Armstrong looked to his right, only to see Chuck Norris there on the moon, sitting on a lawn chair drinking a beer. "Giant leap, my ass", Chuck replied.
Ever see the Grand Canyon? Chuck Norris had nothing to do with it, he just went there once on a family vacation.
Chuck Norris enjoys long walks on the beach and staring into the sun while eating thumb tacks.
Rainbows are what happens when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Richard Simmons.
When people are dying, they are told not to go to the light because Chuck Norris is there waiting to kill them.
The last stage of a star isn't a black hole. It is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not age, he simply turns around and round house kicks time in the face.
Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.
Chuck Norris can drop kick a small child 200 yards.
The reason men castrate themselves is because they're afraid of getting kicked in balls by Chuck Norris.
In 1998, Chuck Norris' heart was replaced with a flux capacitor.
Chuck Norris never pronounces his name correctly because of his religious beliefs.
Neither Firestone tires nor the Ford Explorer can be blamed for the deaths of hundreds of people. Chuck Norris has a casual distaste for small SUV's.
The government called upon Chuck Norris to destroy an asteroid the size of Texas. Chuck Norris rode on top of rocket with nothing but a fork and a cherry bomb. Needless to say the asteroid lost.
Chuck Norris likes Pina Coladas, but fiznackling hates getting caught in the rain.
If you watch Walker-Texas Ranger closely, you'll notice that Chuck Norris only uses violence as a last resort, or when the world goes slo-mo.
Chuck Norris owns 3 pit bulls and 2 dobermans, yet if you go near his property the only sign you see is "Beware of Chuck Norris".
When Chuck Norris dies, he goes to a special division of heaven, where everyone who has taken Norris' name in vain also resides, so he can singlehandedly beat them down.
In 1989, Phil Collins challenged Chuck Norris to a drinking contest. Collins passed out after the 6th shot of moonshine. Chuck Norris went on to drink 12 more shots and a pint of antifreeze just to prove Collins a whimp. This, of course, led to the fall of the Berlin Wall later that year.
After several years of receiving coal, Chuck Norris final caught that S.O.B. in the red suit and ended him with a roadhouse kick. Sorry kids, Chuck Norris is your new Santa. He has that list and he's checking it twice. It's either a Total Gym or a RHK on Christmas Day.
Had the priests in "The Exorcist" just said, "The power of Chuck Norris compels you" instead of "The power of Christ compels you," the movie would only have been about 30 seconds long.
Chuck Norris' wife could'nt get some water to boil on their stove. So Chuck walked over and simply placed a piece of hair from his beard in the water and it immediatly began to boil. After seeing this his wife thanked him. He then roundhoused kicked the boiling pot of water onto his wifes face, reminding her never to speak directly to face of Chuck Norris again.
Chuck Norris can shizzle bricks of gold or small children of any race.
Chuck Norris invented lesbians. After reaching the epitome of manhood by sleeping with Norris, they had no choice but to begin anew with women.
Chuck Norris invented puppies.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris contracted every STD known to man, just to show that STD's are for whimps.
When a phone rings, there is a 58% chance that it's for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the reason that the Mona Lisa smiles.
And on the eleventh day Chuck Norris created the Asians, so he would have plenty of people to kill.
The soft drink beverage known as Mountain Dew is actually made entirely of Chuck Norris' urine. When you look at it through a microscope, you can see billions of microscopic Chucks, all waiting to roundhouse kick the shizzle out of your sperm.
Every morning Chuck starts his day off by roundhouse kicking 14 small children. Why 14? 14 is not only Chuck's favorite number, but it is also the number of times Chuck has had sex with your mother.
The Vietnam war ended over 30 years ago, nobody told Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was the original inspiration for MacGayver, but producers felt his excessive use of his own semen for his contraptions was inapropriate for television and a penis double was never found for shots Norris called "too gay".
Chuck Norris was actually Martin Luther King's dream.
Once while watching an episode of Walker Texas Ranger, a young woman remarked, "that's not acting, that's just talking". Immediately Chuck Norris jumped out of the TV screen and roundhouse kicked her to death. Chuck then said, "It's acting if Chuck Norris says it's acting".
It is said you can't know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. This means no one will ever know Chuck Norris because he'd kill you if you touch his shoes.
If Chuck Norris were a nation, he would be the world's fifth largest economy.
Chuck Norris converted to Islam. Upon his death he was sent to heaven and presented with 72 virgins. With a shake of his head and a stroke of his beard he said, "Been there, Done that."
Chuck Norris kicked in the closet door and beat the shizzle out of R. Kelly.
Chuck Norris gargles with anti-freeze.
Rather than "good intentions," Chuck Norris paved the road to Hell with the mangled corpses of the Viet Cong.
Chuck Norris is indestructible. He is so indestructible that not even Chuck Norris can break Chuck Norris.
One time Chuck Norris was feeling lonely, so he actually clicked on that Date Doctor link up there.
Chuck Norris once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
Chuck Norris drinks a special shake every morning for breakfast, the ingredients of which include yak milk, strawberry, banana, pineapple, a sprinkle of Bruce Lee's cremated remains, and two fetuses. He says the fetuses make it extra creamy.
If you take Chuck Norris and subtract the letters i, s, o, r, n, u, c, k, and h, then add the letters j, e, s, u, and s--in that order--you end up with Jesus.
Chuck Norris was originally casted as Tony Montana in the movie Scarface. When Chuck first said the line, "chickity china the chinese chicken you meng," the director immidiately pissed his pants. He was then greeted with a roundhouse kick to the orbital bone and Chuck Norris was thrown off the set.
Upon meeting Chuck Norris Hitler realized he could never win and killed himself.
Chuck Norris once ate 9 bullets and they lodged in one of his massive chocolate loafs. We now call that chocolate loaf 50 Cent.
Rumors falsely claim that b29 bombers dropped the atom bombs on Japan. The truth is that Chuck Norris threw the bomb all the way to Hirosima.
Chuck Norris could have been a lumberjack but he was too manly.
Chuck Norris' memoir sells as many copies as the Bible. In fact, it is the Bible.
Chuck Norris not only brushes his teeth with a wire brush, and showers using steel wool as a washcloth, he also single handedly identified every UFO ever seen.
Chuck Norris never gets negative feedback on eBay.
Upon reading a fictitious story in his local tabloid, Chuck Norris ripped out the heart of its writer and used his blood to fertilize his lawn. To celebrate, Norris let Steven Seagal out of his cage and beat him mercilessly. Mr. T, who was also present, pitied the shizzle out of Segal. Norris then fizzle your wife, and lit her body on fire using pure grain alcohol and bolts of lightning from his eyes.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
When Chuck Norris was 7 years old, he played T-ball in his town's little league. All of the other kids would make fun of little Chucky because of his beard. One day, in order to send a message, Chuck took aim and hit a line drive so hard, it hit an outfielder and obliterated the kid's face into dust particles. The child's lifeless decapitated body lay there with brain matter sprayed all about. To this day, Chuck Norris will pimp slap anybody who gives him any shizzle about it.
When Chuck Norris bleeds, oak trees sprout up from where the blood fell.
Chuck Norris was the Jewish Humanitarian of the Year. (Seriously)
Chuck Norris has yet to die for your sins.
Chuck Norris is his own father.
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' 'bout.
Tom Cruise is actually impotent. Katie Holmes is pregnant thanks to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented margarine by singlehandedly spitting and ejaculating at the same time. Popular imitations are secretly known as "I Can't Beleive It's Not Chuck Norris".
In his spare time, Chuck Norris breeds thoroughbred horses by manually inseminating the females with his own semen.
Chuck Norris is the only 100% effect form of contraceptive.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
When Chuck Norris chews bubblegum, the bubblegum screams.
Chuck Norris killed for your sins.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man's face through the back of his own skull, and Chuck was so sneaky about it the man did not notice for 3 days.
Legend has it that Chuck Norris single-handedly wrote the Constitution of the United States in blood from Thomas Jefferson.
Chuck Norris once ate all the potatoes in Ireland, causing the potato famine.
Chuck Norris doesn't put lights on his Christmas tree. He just lights it on fire.
Chuck Norris likes his girls like he likes his whiskey - 12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
The Greeks only put one man in the legendary Trojan Horse. You know who he was... and he knows you know.
Chuck Norris does not use spellcheck. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the acutal spelling of it.
Chuck Norris spends all of his time on this site searching through the facts so he can find the ones he submitted and give them perfect 10 ratings.
On a scale of 1 to 10, Chuck Norris kicks ass.
The only time Chuck Norris was confused was after watching the Stephen Seagal movie "Nico". Still to this day, he cannot figure out, why a rival action hero chooses to run like a schoolgirl with wet knickers.
Chuck Norris' shadow looked at him funny one day so he roundhoused his shadow in the face. He no longer has a shadow.
The most difficult fight of Chuck Norris' storied career pitted his left testicle against a buffalo in a cage match. Chuck was born right-testicled, but he spent countless hours training to make himself ambitesticled so as not to have a weakness in battle. Despite that, the toughest part of the match was that the rules stipulated that Chuck was not allowed to actually enter the cage. Chuck was forced to stand outside and push his testicle through the bars. 14 hours into the fight, Chuck's testicle landed a roundhouse kick that put the buffalo into a coma. Chuck vowed then and there never to fight with his testicle again.
Chuck Norris lucky number is one, becuase thats how many tries it takes him to accomplish any task.
Chuck Norris abolished slavery then blinded Stevey Wonder.
Chuck Norris attends Spring Break every year because where there's drinking, there's fighting, where there's fighting, there's kicking, and where there's kicking, there's Chuck.
Chuck Norris once went to jail. The morning after his first night all the inmates, all the guards, and the warden had bleeding cornholes.
When God kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden, Chuck Norris stayed because God was too afraid to ask him to leave.
Chuck Norris does not shave. Instead he just lights his beard on fire. Once the fire is out he roundhouse kicks his dog in the head.
Chuck Norris has a lever next to his desk which, when pulled, plays a random Conan O'Brian clip.
Deeming his too awesome for the world of mortal men or heaven, God attempted to destroy Chuck Norris by swallowing him. However Chuck Norris beat the shizzle out of God's insides, causing God to vomit him out. This led to the popular euphamism for vomiting, "Up-Chuck".
If you put a picture of Chuck Norris on a record and play it backwards, you'll hear the Rescue Rangers theme song followed a raspy voice that says, "7 days." Seven days later, Chuck Norris will explode into your home and raid your refrigerator.
Moses did not receive the 10 Commandments from God, they were merely a stone that had been stuck in Chuck Norris' sandal.
The opposite of peace isn't war; it's Chuck Norris.
Every time you masturbate, Chuck Norris calls you a whimp, fizzle 23 women right in front of you, and the eats a kitten.
Chuck Norris has only visited Europe once. This tragic occasion is now referred to as the Bubonic plague.
God never makes an appearence on earth because Chuck Norris won't let him.
John White arrived on August 18, 1590 at Roanoke in modern day North Carolina after securing a ship full of supplies for the first British colony in the New World. He arrived on his grand daughter’s third birthday. He rushed ashore to his family whom he had not seen for three years, only to find the entire colony deserted. Not a soul was found, nor any indication of what had happened barring one cryptic message. Carved into the trunk of an oak was the word "CHUCKNORRIS".
Chuck Norris once kicked so much ass at a breakdancing contest that he created a time-space anomaly that destroyed a large amount of Ninja, Vikings, Pirates, and Lumberjacks.
Chuck Norris once went swimming... The blue whale is now endangered.
Chuck Norris invented McDonalds for the sole purpose of becoming stronger. Almost daily he goes to there to practice round house kicking fat people in the face
Though the creators of The Matrix were close to the truth, there were several glaring errors. For one, we are not inside of a giant computer, but rather the mind of Chuck Norris. Also, the people in "The Matrix" are granted glimpses into the real world, this is via Conan O'Brien's now classic bit: The Walker Texas Ranger Lever.
Moose shoot themselves when they hear Chuck Norris is going hunting. On an unrelated note, Chuck hunts with his hands.
We are all but figments of Chuck Norris's imagination.
Evel Knievel's motive behind all his stunts was to impress Chuck Norris.
In 1993 interview with Barbara Walters, Chuck Norris admitted to once punching a hurricane in the face. Walters retorted, "Hurricanes have eyes, but don't, in fact, have faces." to which Norris replied, "Watch your mouth, Hurricane Walters"
Chuck Norris can count his chickens before they hatch.
Chuck Norris can drink a gallon of milk and poop whole sticks of butter.
Whenever Chuck Norris needs a new pair of boots he just goes out and kicks through a cow.
Chuck Norris knows how to pronounce Cthulhu. However, if he says Cthulhu in the correct pronounciation, several Turkmenistanian virgins will be sacrificed to Loki.
Chuck Norris once got into a fight with George Bush over who loved Texas more. After Bush was filmed wiping his ass on a DVD of the 4th season of Walker Texas Ranger, Norris burned Bush's Crawford ranch to the ground and forced Bush to eat his own family. Alive.
Chuck Norris killed Dumbledore.
Chuck Norris is watching you poop, and waiting for the perfect moment to strike a kick so hard that you vomit your own crap, vital organs, and DVD copies of "Sidekicks", starring Chuck Norris as Chuck Norris.
Contrary to popular belief, pixels are not little squares, but tinted pictures of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once punched a drug dealer so hard, that he ripped a hole in the fabric of time and space, resulting in Chuck traveling back in time during the Revolutionary War. Chuck Norris then proceeded to singlehandedly beat the Brits during the battles at Lexington and Concord.
Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.
It is believed that King Arthur's legendary sword Excalibur is actually a strand of hair from Chuck Norris' beard.
On the first day, God created Chuck Norris. On the second day, God created the roundhouse kick. On the third day, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked God out of heaven. God now works as a waiter in North Dakota.
Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
Chuck Norris solved Pi. It actually ends with "CHUCK".
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
Chuck Norris was conceived when God round-house kicked Satan in the ovary.
Continental Drift is caused by the Earth trying to make room for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated.
After seeing "Supersize Me," Chuck Norris ate every McDonalds in the continental United States whole. Then he went to the dude's house and roundhouse kicked him in the face for being such a whimp.
The sound of an F15 fighter jet was taken directly from the sound of Chuck Norris taking a shizzle.
As compensation for acting as the "Special Enforcer" at the 1994 Survivor Series, Chuck Norris was later treated to a candlelit dinner for two with none other than WWF Superstar King Kong Bundy at the trendy French restaurant, Le Rú. It was only after a delightful entree of Black Angus tournedos of beef that Bundy accidentally knocked over his water goblet as he was reaching for his merlot. The sound of breaking glass and scent of wet tablecloth sent Norris into a frenzy, causing him to leap across the table and into Bundy's mouth where he ate him from the inside out.
Chuck Norris is known worldwide for his lawn gnome collection. Coincidentally, young children often go missing around his house.
Chuck Norris can bench-press the moon.
Chuck Norris didnt roundhouse kick Ray Charles because he was blind, he roundhoused Ray Charles because he was black.
Mount Kilimanjaro can only be climbed when Chuck Norris has an erect penis. This is because Chuck's erect penis IS Mount Kilimanjaro.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris doesn't know the meaning of wartime - all he knows is gametime.
Chuck Norris has never been "away" on vacation, the places come to him.
While not officially a diplomat, Chuck Norris has his own seat at the United Nations. He walked into the building by accident in 1992 and sat down in a seat reserved for the representative from Denmark, who chose to sit indian style rather than risk asking him to leave.
Chuck Norris once played a game of chinese checkers merely by shooting the marbles. Needless to say he hasnt lost yet.
Iraq was accused of hiding weapons of mass destruction because Chuck Norris secretly vacationed in Baghdad.
Chuck Norris doesn't use toilets. His colon actually compresses his waste to the point of nuclear fusion. The resulting energy is converted into electricity which powers Las Vegas.
If Chuck Norris' arms were guns, they would be big fizzle' guns.
Chuck Norris' beard is actually a time travelling symbiotesymbiote sent back in time to kill Chuck, but failed and was forced by Chuck to forever be his face decoration.
Every time you masturbate, Chuck Norris punches a Mexican baby in the face.
When Chuck Norris was born, he karate chopped his own umbelical cord and built his own milk factory then drank it dry. He then started to learn how to speak in 2.54 seconds and proceeded to dazzle the room with a mixture of impressive karate and dazzling smiles.
Jesus turned water into wine. Chuck Norris taught him how.
When on vacation in December of '04 Chuck Norris was stung by a jelly fish. Delirious with rage at the unadulterated insolence, he roundhouse kicked the ocean into submission. The result nearly wiped out a generation of Thais.
Chuck Norris invented crack because he doesn't like black people.
In 1994, a film was made in Japan entitled Godzilla vs. Chuck Norris. It depitced a fight between the two, in which Chuck Norris made Godzilla tap out like a beach. The producers, not wanting their most marketable character to be owned in this fashion, did not release the film. After roundhouse kicking their heads off, Chuck Norris used their ribs to comb his beard.
While vacationing in Africa, Chuck Norris was attacked by a group of hungry lions. Unfazed, he strangled them to death and proceeded to dislocate his jaw and ribcage so he could swallow his prey whole.
Chuck Norris is known to have ate a puppy just because he didn't have anything else around to chase his hard liquor.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shizzle out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
After filming Delta Force, Lee Marvin admitted that Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of winning a staring contest with God while getting a blowjob.
Chuck Norris walks with somewhat of a limp; this is not the result of a stunt injury, as certain media accounts have insinuated, but because of his cumbersome rhinoceros balls.
Nine out of ten scientists agree that Chuck Norris, not the "Big Bang", created the universe. The tenth scientist has never been found.
Chuck Norris once ordered a pepperoni pizza. When he discovered that they had forgotten the pepperonis, he roundhouse kicked the delivery boy and stapled him to the pizza and ate it.
The first rule of Chuck Norris is, you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
Andacondas can grow up to over 30 feet long, and dislocate their jaws so they can open thier mouths exeptionaly wide. But they still cant deep throat Chuck Norris.
Every new U.S. currency has a watermark of Chuck Norris' face in the background. Knowing that Chuck is always watching, counterfeiting ceases to exist.
Chuck Norris has a pet chipmunk named Boris Norris. If you tell Chuck that it's cute that Boris rhymes with Norris, he rhymes "your head" with "roundhouse kick." He then gives Boris a cookie for his troubles.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff AND the deputy. He then occupied the position of deputy.
Chuck Norris got drunk at a bar and passed out. Luckily, his beard called him a cab, directed the driver to the correct address, and finally roundhouse kicked its way through Norris' front door. When Chuck awoke the next morning, he noticed breakfast and the daily paper by his bedside. Chucks beard thanks god for every day it remains unshaven and continues to recognize who it works for.
Chuck Norris fought a cloud once because it rained on him.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually have a beard. What we perceive as a sexy and rugged man-beard is actually just Chuck Norris' skin. Legend has it that if Chuck Norris actually grew a beard, every woman in the world would simultaneously orgasm, thus destroying the Earth. Chuck Norris isn't sure if that's true, but he thinks we're better safe than sorry.
Chuck Norris draws more blood than the Red Cross.
The reason men castrate themselves is because they're afraid of getting kicked in balls by Chuck Norris.
The song "Cryin'" by Aerosmith is about Steven Tyler's love for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris refers to all money in terms of the number of gumballs he could purchace. If you ask him how much a gumball costs, he will stare at you so hard your soul will die and your penis will fall off.
Chuck Norris once noticed that each women orgasms at a specific frequency. After 10 minutes of practice, he preformed the first ever orgasm orchestra for the largest crowd in music histroy. Unfortunately, the sight of Chuck Norris having sex caused every audience member to also orgasm, ruining his masterpiece.
Once Chuck Norris was asked "who would win in a fight, him or Van Damme?" to which he replied "I have more talent in one whisker of my beard than that punk."
When Van Damme heard wind of this he challenged Chuck, Chuck stood back plucked a single whisker from his beard. The whisker then proceeded to dominate Van Damme, then make love to his wife.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris is how the West was won.
On the sixth day God created Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris knows Steven Segall personally. He is made up of the corn in Chuck Norris' fecal matter.
Dan Rather's toupe is an exact replica of Chuck Norris' pubic hair.
Chuck Norris uses the blood of small children as lubricant when he masturbates. He does not have sex, because he does not want to create a weaker version of himself. There can be only one.
Anabolic steroids are a byproduct of Chuck Norris' urine.
Chuck Norris shot 2pac and Biggie, but the police were too afraid to actually arrest him in fear of being roundhouse kicked and sodomized.
Chuck Norris does not swim. He wades.
The sun hides in fear every time Chuck Norris masturbates. We know these periods of darkness as "night".
Chuck Norris killed the last Unicorn with his bare hands. The Unicorn was Chuck's best friend.
Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.
Chuck Norris filmed all 202 episodes of Walker: Texas Ranger in a day. However, this is not actually an achievement of Norris', all the episodes were actually assembled using the same 15 minutes of Chuck Norris footage.
Chuck Norris' sweat repels mosquitoes and other irritating insects, such as William Shatner.
Chuck Norris cast Eve out of the Garden of Eden. He told the beach not to touch his apples.
The song, "I Can See Clearly Now," was created after Chuck Norris slaughtered 203,945 people in midair. The rain of blood lasted days. Jesus was pissed.
Chuck Norris has beaten more people in hand to hand combat then you have seen in your entire life.
Chuck Norris started the I love Chuck Norris Facebook Group, he then tracked down everyone who joined it and proceeded to roundhouse kick them into oblivion for being tools of the media.
For every time Chuck Norris kills a man, an angel gets its wings. For every time a puppy dies, Chuck Norris laughs.
Once while watching an episode of Walker Texas Ranger, a young woman remarked, "that's not acting, that's just talking". Immediately Chuck Norris jumped out of the TV screen and roundhouse kicked her to death. Chuck then said, "It's acting if Chuck Norris says it's acting".
Chuck Norris doesn't rely on a "whimp ass immune system", as he calls it. Instead there is a school of piranha that inhabits his circulatory system
God will only remain in business as long as he continues paying protection money to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the reason why bad things happen to good people.
Chuck Norris' shoes, most notably the one that roundhouse kicked the Berlin wall down are kept in a secret government closet in Langley, Virgina. This may be the only government secret that Clinton did not sell to the Chinese.
When Chuck Norris had to undergo surgery after catching a number of cannonballs with his stomach, he punched out the doctors and took hold of the scalpel himself. The following report, written in blood, states his stomach contents were four feet of barbed wire, two pounds of granite, fire, and the skeleton of a circus strongman.
Chuck Norris hasn't set foot in his backyard since 1985. When asked to explain this fact, he simply said, "Some wounds go too deep."
Chuck Norris' beard is actually composed of all 118 elements of the periodic table.
Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erect penis.
One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.
Chuck Norris defeated Hulk Hogan at the battle of Little Big Horn.
What is the only thing worse than Chuck Norris with a gun. Chuck Norris without a gun.
Chuck Norris was trained by Bruce Lee, who was in turn trained by a time traveling Chuck Norris thus completing the circle.
If you know some one who doesn't like Chuck Norris, you won't know them for long.
The R.E.M. song "Everybody Hurts" was inspired by an incident back in '86 when Chuck Norris ordered an unsweetened tea, and was told they didn't serve unsweetened tea at that particular restaurant. They do now.
Chuck Norris doesn't kill time. He annihilates it.
In forty years time, people will no longer die, not because of advanced medical science, but rather because when death came for Chuck Norris, Chuch Norris came looking for death...
Chuck Norris can turn back time simply by staring at the clock and flexing.
There is no such thing as wind. What you feel is the breeze generated from Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking someone in the face.
Chuck Norris never takes his boots off, and one Thanksgiving roundhouse kicked his grandmother's dentures out for asking him to do so. When asked why, a steely-eyed Chuck answered, "No boots, no Chuck," before vanishing in a flurry of spin kicks and snapping teeth.
Chuck Norris invented the measurment the "yard", as it was much more appealing to say than, "Hi, my name is Chuck Norris and my dick is three feet long."
It is rumored that Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it is eastern time at his balls, and pacific time at the tip. This has never been proven because even the slighest glance of Norris' genitals causes normal humans to combust.
To be stuck between Chuck Norris and hard place makes the hard place pretty damn appealing.
Angered by the fact that Hurricane Katrina was not named Hurricane Chuck, Norris went on a killing spree. It is been rumored that he mutilated 7 meterologists, 15 journalists, and 3 unrelated civilians. He was seen later on screaming, "Who's a Category 5 now beach?!"
The only gold medal Chuck Norris hasn't won at the Olympics is in gymnastics because that is for fags.
The original A-bomb dropped on Hiroshima was nothing more than a Ziplock bag filled with Chuck Norris' highly potent seed.
Chuck Norris once breast-fed Dolly Parton.
Chuck Norris cried wolf, only to beat up the villagers who showed up.
Michael Jackson didn't have facial reconstructive surgery. Chuck Norris kicked him in the face for making crappy music.
The Ford Motor Company is recently changing the standard Horse Power in favor of Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kicks. So a supercharged Mustang, instead of having 360 horsepower, has .14 Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicks.

[Grouch]

pipo,

WTF is all that about...man your annoying.

[pipo]

Grouch,

i know 78 days until i can ride at my local cable park so i'm pretty bored and annoying everybody

[Grouch]

pipo,

Patience is a virtue...I could be a doctor, but I dont have the patience.

Keep counting down the days. As soon as the weather warms up again we will be out hitting up shizzle with the Pirate Winch.

[pipo]

A guy i know in holland made his own winch and we got some plans to hit al kinds of spots

[xstfu ill pwn youx]

chickity china the chinese chicken chuck noris.

[Jesse]

I heard from a "reliable source" that Chuck Norris pulls his friends wakesk8ing by putting a rope around his waist and running.

[Slyder]

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

[frawley]

I love Chuck Norris, its as simple as that.

[-=AlexXx=-]

this has to be one of the funniest threads haha, chuck norris facts are amazing.

[nick]

Slyder, One of my new favorites.

[Grouch]

Little miss muffett sat on a tuffet eating her curds and way, when along came chuck and said "whats in the bowl beach?"

[JTwakeskater56]

frawley, One doesn't have to dislike Chuck to enjoy the creativeness of this stuff. Grouch, You must be old...what's in the bowl beach ...back to the 50s. heh heh

[Fredrick_Eisenhauer]

I have a couple more....

Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris puts paparazzi in his protein shakes.

Scientists have found that the extinction of the dinosaurs was directly caused by Chuck Norris and his flaming meteor roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

"RULING" used to be known as "CHUCK NORRISSING" until some panty-waist English teachers made everybody change it.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

It is Chuck Norris' eye that adorns the Great Seal on the back of the $1 bill. He is all seeing.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris only looks one way when he crosses the street.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris can do 1000 jerk-push-ups while juggling cattle.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't chickity china the chinese chicken with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Samuel Colt invented the first simultaneously loading firearm that held six bullets. He based this on the loading and firing capacity of sperm that was produced by Chuck Norris' genitalia.

Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shizzle out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

You lose one year of your total life expectancy every time you look at the image of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shizzle out of little kids.

One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one out-stares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.

The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shizzle on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Vin Diesel
When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the chickity china the chinese chicken down.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. chickity china the chinese chicken you, team.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is bulljive!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been referred to as Christmas.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin.

Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fiznackling another.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever; it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

Vin Diesel once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Mr. T
Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

Revolving doors were invented to keep Mr. T from kicking them in all the time.

Mr. T's incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn't have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but T's.

Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a porn star regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A bird in the hand of Mr. T is a deadly weapon in 17 states.

Mr. T's hair style is actually a complex array of antennas that can triangulate the exact location of any fool in the universe. His gold chains can then transmit pity to those coordinates.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occurred next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters.

Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

There are now over 43 fools born every minute in order to keep up with the rate at which Mr. T pities them.

Mr. T was originally cast to play Arnold Jackson on Diff'rent Strokes. Unfortunately every time he said, "whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Willis shizzle himself.

Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.

Mr. T went through 257 Sylvester Stallone stunt doubles during the taping of "Rocky III".

Mr. T doesn't obey the second law of thermodynamics. It obeys him.

When Mr. T cuts onions, it's the onions doing the crying.

Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.

Mr. T survived a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris. He was the first and only one to do so.

If you were ever foolish enough to get into a fight with Mr. T, there would only be two hits: Mr. T hitting you, and you hitting the surface of the Sun.

[Fredrick_Eisenhauer]

I have a couple more....

Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris puts paparazzi in his protein shakes.

Scientists have found that the extinction of the dinosaurs was directly caused by Chuck Norris and his flaming meteor roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

"RULING" used to be known as "CHUCK NORRISSING" until some panty-waist English teachers made everybody change it.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

It is Chuck Norris' eye that adorns the Great Seal on the back of the $1 bill. He is all seeing.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris only looks one way when he crosses the street.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris can do 1000 jerk-push-ups while juggling cattle.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't chickity china the chinese chicken with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Samuel Colt invented the first simultaneously loading firearm that held six bullets. He based this on the loading and firing capacity of sperm that was produced by Chuck Norris' genitalia.

Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shizzle out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

You lose one year of your total life expectancy every time you look at the image of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shizzle out of little kids.

One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one out-stares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.

The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shizzle on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Vin Diesel
When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the chickity china the chinese chicken down.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. chickity china the chinese chicken you, team.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is bulljive!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been referred to as Christmas.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin.

Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fiznackling another.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever; it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

Vin Diesel once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Mr. T
Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

Revolving doors were invented to keep Mr. T from kicking them in all the time.

Mr. T's incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn't have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but T's.

Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a porn star regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A bird in the hand of Mr. T is a deadly weapon in 17 states.

Mr. T's hair style is actually a complex array of antennas that can triangulate the exact location of any fool in the universe. His gold chains can then transmit pity to those coordinates.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occurred next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters.

Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

There are now over 43 fools born every minute in order to keep up with the rate at which Mr. T pities them.

Mr. T was originally cast to play Arnold Jackson on Diff'rent Strokes. Unfortunately every time he said, "whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Willis shizzle himself.

Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.

Mr. T went through 257 Sylvester Stallone stunt doubles during the taping of "Rocky III".

Mr. T doesn't obey the second law of thermodynamics. It obeys him.

When Mr. T cuts onions, it's the onions doing the crying.

Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.

Mr. T survived a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris. He was the first and only one to do so.

If you were ever foolish enough to get into a fight with Mr. T, there would only be two hits: Mr. T hitting you, and you hitting the surface of the Sun.

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